Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the stock market keeps crashing.

"Buy, Buy": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor: Your life in a nut shell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader: Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.