Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
"There may
be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane... ... ..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached
our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for
flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another
airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced
on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped
with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing.
Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they
leave the aircraft."
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."
"Last one off
the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight
into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During
the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on
a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had
a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
"What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
"Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children
or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make
sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or
your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in
a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
:-)
